Understanding Tears and Tantrums and their ‘mission’

Why do children cry?

Would we ask our kids to hold their poop? I certainly wouldn't! So why do we tell them to hold their tears, to stop crying?

Let’s face it. Many people think that a child that cries is emotionally immature, the child is “spoiled.” We find it greatly uncomfortable to see a child cry, and we want to do anything in our power to stop it. Dummies, rocking, iPad, distractions, and the list is long.

Our own childhood conditioning fosters intolerance towards crying and pushes many parents into consistent efforts to prevent it that are counterproductive and inflict only more harm.

The body is wiser than we think, and tears have a mission! In fact, they have two:

• To communicate a specific need or discomfort, like when they are hungry, tired, or cold.
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• As a form of emotional offload.

Often, when a child continues to cry even when their inmediate needs have been fully satisfied, a form of crying frequently known as “colic” or“irritable crying,” it is often the case that the crying originates from emotional distress. This form of crying is a necessary and beneficial physiological process that allows children (and anybody else!) to cope with stress and heal from emotional pain. It releases stress hormones likeAdrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH) and Leu-enkephalin, an endorphin involved in regulating emotions and reducing pain perception.

Why do babies and older children experience an increased need for crying?

1. Because they are more susceptible to stress and change. Daily accidents, separations, and anxieties pose major stresses to babies as they accustom to the world around them, which build up in the body and need to be released through the natural healing mechanism of crying.
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2. Children who are exposed to loss, violence, illness, injury, and other sources of stress and trauma early on (including birth!) are usually more prone to tears and tantrums and show higher psychological improvement later on in life than those who tended to suppress their feelings and cried less.
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3. They are developmentally incapable (babies) or less able to express their feelings through words.

The“Broken Cookie” phenomenon

Let's say you are back from (supposedly) a lovely playdate. It’s snack time, and you give your lovely daughter a cookie, but unfortunately, it is broken. Out of the blue, the child is taken over by the tantrum monster, throws herself on the floor, and starts yelling and crying: "I don't want a broken cookie!!!!!!!!!"

Coined by the renowned psychologist Aletha Solter, founder of Aware Parenting*, the “Broken Cookie” phenomenon explains how seemingly trivial incidents can trigger intense bouts of crying in children. But remember: What the kid wants is not a cookie, but a big cry. As a parent, we need to always look at the root causes of our kids' behaviours.

How to respond to children’s tears and tantrums

Firstly, parents can take measures to reduce overstimulation and create a calmer and more predictable environment for their children, where stress is minimal, and changes or transitions are as smooth as possible. A basic need of a child is the need for information: always take time to explain the plans and give warnings of changes with enough time for them to adjust.

Secondly, once the crying is taking place, it is important not to interfere as they need to be allowed to express their emotions to heal, and one cannot protect them from experiencing pain completely. Instead, leaving them the space to continue to cry and offering them one’s acknowledgment, empathy, and loving presence will show them emotional support, unconditional love as they see that they are loved regardless of how they feel, and a strong sense of emotional safety as they are allowed to express how they feel and ask for help when needed.

Believe me, it generally does not take more than 10 minutes (unless there are deeper issues or traumas at play). The child will eventually cease to cry when they are finished, when a sense of relief will set in, and they will become more cooperative.

How to handle violent behaviour

But, what if my child hits or bites? If a child exhibits violent forms of behaviour while raging, one can interrupt the violence (for example, by holding them) and encourage them to cry and release their feelings instead. This is because children who are allowed emotional expression are less prone to violent behaviour in the first place. One can say No to the behaviour but Yes to the emotion underneath the undesired behaviour.

Remember that it's expression or depression!

*Aware Parenting is a philosophy founded by Aletha Solter, Ph.D. that emphasizes the importance of understanding and responding to children’s emotional needs in an empathetic and supportive manner free of punishments and rewards, in order to foster healthy relationships in families and prevent behavioural problems in children.

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